“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”

–Robert Fulghum (author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.)

 

Ethan Crumbley. Remember the name? I’d wager most of us don’t. I didn’t, at least until I happened upon his parents’ sentencing last week as it was broadcast on the radio. In 2021, Ethan was fifteen-years-old when he shot and killed four classmates in his high school in Michigan. He’s serving a life sentence for those murders.

So why were his parents, James and Jennifer, sentenced? Now do you remember? They were convicted of unintentional homicide as contributors to his crime. In separate trials, juries  found both of them guilty of ignoring Ethan’s cries for help. In fact, on the same day the murders occurred, his parents and Ethan went before school counselors when his drawings of a 9 mm handgun and macabre writings were discovered, as well as the words, “Help Me.”

The school officials recommended immediate mental health services … within the next forty-eight hours! Ethan went back to class, his parents went home or back to work, and before the school bell rang, four high schoolers were dead, shot by Ethan with the 9 mm handgun his dad had given him for Christmas.

The statements made by the victims’ parents were gut-wrenching, but so were Ethan’s parents’ statements. Both of them claimed ignorance of his dark thoughts. It was sad to imagine the destroyed lives personified by the Crumbleys and the family members of the dead students. After hearing all parties speak, the judge sentenced both of the parents to ten to fifteen years in prison. I don’t know the facts in the case as, like most of us, I didn’t follow it. I also don’t know how I feel about the verdicts and sentences.

But I do know this: Parenting is complicated, even under the best circumstances. It’s a terrific privilege but an awesome responsibility. And it gets trickier when children come of age as teens, are home less, and are subject to peer and social media influence more.

After all, the world has changed. A handgun as a Christmas present? Back in my youth, I was happy to get a basketball or a baseball glove for Christmas.

Parents have to be aware of their children’s comings and goings, their peer group, and their use of social media. Step aside, and they’ll default to those influencers. Hoping a kid turns out okay is not a strategy. Letting teens become more independent while still overseeing their lives is a difficult balancing act, but that’s what we sign up for. We don’t want to be that “helicopter parent,” but we need to stay in the control tower.

Yes, they’re watching us, but we need to watch them, too. And all of us parents realize we are far from perfect and often don’t get it right. Consider that before we condemn this couple.

If the Crumbleys’ verdicts were just, what’s next? When a parent suspects his daughter drinks “a little” but lets her drive anyway, and she has an accident while intoxicated and someone dies, will that parent be found guilty of unintentional homicide? Or, how about the boy whose mom smells dope on him but does nothing to intervene? When the kid gets high and commits a crime, is the parent guilty, too? I don’t know. Do you?

These are difficult questions for tragic situations that unfortunately are becoming more common. We’ll have to contend with how they are prosecuted. All of us may have different opinions, but most of us will never be personally involved … on either side.

We can be grateful for that.