“Loneliness is different from isolation and solitude. Loneliness is a subjective feeling where the connections we need are greater than the connections we have. In the gap, we experience loneliness.”
–Dr. Vivek Murthy
U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recently made headline news with his report on the impact of loneliness on our personal and public health. You’ve likely heard or read tidbits of it. Suffice it to say, loneliness has a tremendous impact on our health. Heart disease and stroke risks increase by about 30 percent, the risk of dementia in older adults increases by about 50 percent, and premature death risk increases by about 60 percent.
No wonder retirement communities are thriving. People are moving into them not to die, but to extend their lives and make them richer and fuller!
But Dr. Murthy wasn’t just talking about senior citizens: Middle-aged men who live alone have over twice the risk of committing suicide, and over 30 percent of millennials report feelings of loneliness, resulting in an increased risk of mental health disorders. The report is sobering. I recommend you click the (safe!) link above and peruse it.
Turns out Harry Nilsson was onto something when he wrote “One” and Three Dog Night made it a hit when I was coming of age in the 1960s. That was long before the availability of, and our obsession over, screen devices that easily isolate us if we’re not careful. The song was about a broken relationship, which is a perfect segue to the rest of this post.
A recent WSJ report on the findings of the Harvard Study of Adult Development are as compelling as Dr. Murthy’s report. This study, now in its 85th year, originally followed 724 men and women and has tracked 1,300 of their descendants. The study found that one factor stood out as the seminal determinant of long-term health and happiness. It wasn’t the corner office, how many degrees you have after your name, or the size of your bank account or retirement nest egg.
Quite simply, it was genuine relationships. The article concluded as follows: “In fact, close personal connections are significant enough that if all 85 years of the Harvard Study were boiled down to a single principle for living, it would be this: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.” In today’s complex world, that sounds amazingly simple. Great news!
The bad news is there are barriers to improving our interpersonal relationships. People just don’t go to church or join garden clubs, book clubs, or civic clubs like they once did. Additionally, some of the people forced to work from home during the pandemic discovered not only was it doable, but preferable. Unless compelled by their employers to return to the office, many have opted to remain at home.
It’s estimated that people spend at least eight hours a day on digital content. Adults over age 65 spend, on average, just over ten hours a day on screens–most of it television. The younger generation? You guessed it … cell phones.
All of this to beg the question: What can we do about it? While Dr. Murthy includes government solutions in his list of ways to combat loneliness (he is, after all, a federal employee!), I believe the better solutions are to be found within each and every one of us. Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t spoken to in quite some time. Write notes–not just by email or text, but on actual stationery with pen, pencil, or, heck, even crayons. Visit a neighbor. Meet a friend for coffee or tea. Get some folks together for lunch.
This isn’t a new problem. Pre-dating the song “One” (and even my birth!) was Englishman John Donne’s “No Man is an Island” (1624). People have been contemplating this problem for centuries, and it has only gotten worse with today’s technology and our culture.
We all have the power to do something about that, and we should. After all, our health and happiness depend on it!
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“Loneliness is different from isolation and solitude. Loneliness is a subjective feeling where the connections we need are greater than the connections we have. In the gap, we experience loneliness.”
–Dr. Vivek Murthy
U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recently made headline news with his report on the impact of loneliness on our personal and public health. You’ve likely heard or read tidbits of it. Suffice it to say, loneliness has a tremendous impact on our health. Heart disease and stroke risks increase by about 30 percent, the risk of dementia in older adults increases by about 50 percent, and premature death risk increases by about 60 percent.
No wonder retirement communities are thriving. People are moving into them not to die, but to extend their lives and make them richer and fuller!
But Dr. Murthy wasn’t just talking about senior citizens: Middle-aged men who live alone have over twice the risk of committing suicide, and over 30 percent of millennials report feelings of loneliness, resulting in an increased risk of mental health disorders. The report is sobering. I recommend you click the (safe!) link above and peruse it.
Turns out Harry Nilsson was onto something when he wrote “One” and Three Dog Night made it a hit when I was coming of age in the 1960s. That was long before the availability of, and our obsession over, screen devices that easily isolate us if we’re not careful. The song was about a broken relationship, which is a perfect segue to the rest of this post.
A recent WSJ report on the findings of the Harvard Study of Adult Development are as compelling as Dr. Murthy’s report. This study, now in its 85th year, originally followed 724 men and women and has tracked 1,300 of their descendants. The study found that one factor stood out as the seminal determinant of long-term health and happiness. It wasn’t the corner office, how many degrees you have after your name, or the size of your bank account or retirement nest egg.
Quite simply, it was genuine relationships. The article concluded as follows: “In fact, close personal connections are significant enough that if all 85 years of the Harvard Study were boiled down to a single principle for living, it would be this: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.” In today’s complex world, that sounds amazingly simple. Great news!
The bad news is there are barriers to improving our interpersonal relationships. People just don’t go to church or join garden clubs, book clubs, or civic clubs like they once did. Additionally, some of the people forced to work from home during the pandemic discovered not only was it doable, but preferable. Unless compelled by their employers to return to the office, many have opted to remain at home.
It’s estimated that people spend at least eight hours a day on digital content. Adults over age 65 spend, on average, just over ten hours a day on screens–most of it television. The younger generation? You guessed it … cell phones.
All of this to beg the question: What can we do about it? While Dr. Murthy includes government solutions in his list of ways to combat loneliness (he is, after all, a federal employee!), I believe the better solutions are to be found within each and every one of us. Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t spoken to in quite some time. Write notes–not just by email or text, but on actual stationery with pen, pencil, or, heck, even crayons. Visit a neighbor. Meet a friend for coffee or tea. Get some folks together for lunch.
This isn’t a new problem. Pre-dating the song “One” (and even my birth!) was Englishman John Donne’s “No Man is an Island” (1624). People have been contemplating this problem for centuries, and it has only gotten worse with today’s technology and our culture.
We all have the power to do something about that, and we should. After all, our health and happiness depend on it!
16 Comments
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Your thoughts are always interesting. When my father passed away I remember my mom saying loneliness was a huge part of dealing with loss. Realizing that her life had changed and there would be no one to talk to or even ignore made evenings and nights very long.
Each of us fall in a continuum from the extreme introvert to the extreme extrovert, a concept we tested at a national managers meeting to better understand others. So the degree to which we require interaction varies. The introvert might retreat to their room to recharge their need for solitude while the extrovert sought companionship. -
Tim,
So interesting this is your topic this week. I am spending some time this week with shut-ins. Sometimes just a phone call or a dinner invite out of the blue can make a big difference. We have single friends who we invite to every family occasion. Our holidays are almost always spent with anyone we know who might be alone, in addition to family members. It’s such a small thing, but our single friends are always excited for the invite. When I visited my Dad, he would pull out monthly letters my brother would write. He loved hearing just the day to day news of my brother and his family. These little things can make a difference. Get away from the screen, pick up the phone or a pen and communicate… -
Excellent article! Thank you, Tim!
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You should read Bowling Alone. It’s about 20 years old at this point but addresses this exact topic. I guess we haven’t made the progress the author hoped we could… I haven’t read it but always thought it would be interesting to read.
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Tim, once again, you have written on a subject close to home. As the parent of Millennials and the aunt of social media “influencers,” I have seen the definition of “relationships” morph from reality to fantasy. My nieces truly believe that they have deep relationships with thousands of followers none of whom they have ever visited, shared coffee, written a note. What is going to happen when their Instagram account is passe, the “likes” stop and they are, in reality, alone? Also, I believe (albeit so much more complicated) that the issue of loneliness and isolation is tied to the distortion of the American value of personal independence. My children would rather spend an hour going to the store than knocking on their neighbor’s door and asking for an egg. Culturally, we have fostered an “I can do it all by myself” attitude and, as a result, we are all by ourselves! Contrastingly, as you know, I have parents in a retirement community and I have seen the significance that strong personal relationships have had on my parents’ health and longevity. I could go on … but important thoughts you have raised. Thank you.
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We enjoy our friends in our Senior Living community and daily have activities together.
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As usual, you are spot on. I found the need to “connect” was the primary reason folks on my Stephen Ministry list wanted a Stephen minister. My Thursday morning breakfast group gathers to gather – no specific topic or project, just friendship. Church is still a place to fellowship. The sermon and lessons are fine, but the fellowship is critical. To enhance that fellowship time, we encourage all to gather in the “Gathering Place” which has seating, stand up tables and coffee to help with the connectedness. The craft beer industry has grown exponentially. I believe this is more because if provides a place for people to gather and for strangers to engage in conversation over the weather, the beer or any topic that comes to mind in the moment. The introverted side of me needs time alone to recharge. The rest of my being truly enjoys time with other people whether family, friends or those “strangers” that I encounter while leaning on the bar.
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In a world full of couples and families, it’s very discouraging to be left out. Sometimes I can rise above it, sometimes I can’t.
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Great blog and important topic, Tim! I agree that electronics and social media have greatly interfered and actually handicapped people in the art of developing good, solid face-to-face relationships. Covid isolation fostered the loneliness, isolation, and “excuses” to hole up inside at home and not make or foster those personal connections. I felt like a caged animal and cherished the freedom to be with people again (without being ostracized for it!) after the Covid restrictions were lifted!
Your thoughts are always interesting. When my father passed away I remember my mom saying loneliness was a huge part of dealing with loss. Realizing that her life had changed and there would be no one to talk to or even ignore made evenings and nights very long.
Each of us fall in a continuum from the extreme introvert to the extreme extrovert, a concept we tested at a national managers meeting to better understand others. So the degree to which we require interaction varies. The introvert might retreat to their room to recharge their need for solitude while the extrovert sought companionship.
Needing time alone vs. being lonely, right?
Tim,
So interesting this is your topic this week. I am spending some time this week with shut-ins. Sometimes just a phone call or a dinner invite out of the blue can make a big difference. We have single friends who we invite to every family occasion. Our holidays are almost always spent with anyone we know who might be alone, in addition to family members. It’s such a small thing, but our single friends are always excited for the invite. When I visited my Dad, he would pull out monthly letters my brother would write. He loved hearing just the day to day news of my brother and his family. These little things can make a difference. Get away from the screen, pick up the phone or a pen and communicate…
Great point. We can’t forget the homebound.
Excellent article! Thank you, Tim!
Thank YOU for reading, Joany!
You should read Bowling Alone. It’s about 20 years old at this point but addresses this exact topic. I guess we haven’t made the progress the author hoped we could… I haven’t read it but always thought it would be interesting to read.
I’ll read it. Thanks! (Of course, the upside is one could cheat on one’s score!)
Tim, once again, you have written on a subject close to home. As the parent of Millennials and the aunt of social media “influencers,” I have seen the definition of “relationships” morph from reality to fantasy. My nieces truly believe that they have deep relationships with thousands of followers none of whom they have ever visited, shared coffee, written a note. What is going to happen when their Instagram account is passe, the “likes” stop and they are, in reality, alone? Also, I believe (albeit so much more complicated) that the issue of loneliness and isolation is tied to the distortion of the American value of personal independence. My children would rather spend an hour going to the store than knocking on their neighbor’s door and asking for an egg. Culturally, we have fostered an “I can do it all by myself” attitude and, as a result, we are all by ourselves! Contrastingly, as you know, I have parents in a retirement community and I have seen the significance that strong personal relationships have had on my parents’ health and longevity. I could go on … but important thoughts you have raised. Thank you.
We enjoy our friends in our Senior Living community and daily have activities together.
Wonderful!
As usual, you are spot on. I found the need to “connect” was the primary reason folks on my Stephen Ministry list wanted a Stephen minister. My Thursday morning breakfast group gathers to gather – no specific topic or project, just friendship. Church is still a place to fellowship. The sermon and lessons are fine, but the fellowship is critical. To enhance that fellowship time, we encourage all to gather in the “Gathering Place” which has seating, stand up tables and coffee to help with the connectedness. The craft beer industry has grown exponentially. I believe this is more because if provides a place for people to gather and for strangers to engage in conversation over the weather, the beer or any topic that comes to mind in the moment. The introverted side of me needs time alone to recharge. The rest of my being truly enjoys time with other people whether family, friends or those “strangers” that I encounter while leaning on the bar.
You raise an important point, Bruce. There’s a difference between being or needing to be alone, vs. being lonely. Thanks!
In a world full of couples and families, it’s very discouraging to be left out. Sometimes I can rise above it, sometimes I can’t.
Great blog and important topic, Tim! I agree that electronics and social media have greatly interfered and actually handicapped people in the art of developing good, solid face-to-face relationships. Covid isolation fostered the loneliness, isolation, and “excuses” to hole up inside at home and not make or foster those personal connections. I felt like a caged animal and cherished the freedom to be with people again (without being ostracized for it!) after the Covid restrictions were lifted!
Just like our good health, Lissa, we take our freedom for granted, right? During Covid, the daily cadence of our lives was disrupted suddenly by the lockdown and isolation, and it was awful!