Reporter Mitch Ohnstad: “Willie, why do you rob banks?”

American bank robber Willie Sutton: “Because that’s where the money is.”

A friend told me about his trip to the bank. Seems he went in to apply for a loan, needing money to cover expenses. He wasn’t too worried about qualifying for the loan, as his uncle, named Sam, was the bank manager.

The bank was unusually noisy that day, so he had to practically yell to tell the teller why he was there. He was shown into his uncle’s office, was asked to take a seat, and was told his uncle would be with him shortly.

When his uncle walked in, my friend was surprised. He just didn’t look the same as he had previously. Something had changed, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Then, his uncle started talking, and my friend really noticed things had changed.

The conversation went something like this:

“Sam, I need a loan, please.”

“A loan? What on earth for?”

“I have bills to pay.”

“Well, we have money for that, but you don’t need a loan–it’s free.”

“Free? How does that work?”

“Please. Don’t use that word! We no longer consider ‘work’ to be useful!”

“But you can’t just hand out free money, right? At some point, you’ll run out.”

“Can we hand out money? Of course we can! And when we need more, we just print it. You might have noticed the noise when you walked in. That’s our mint in the back, churning out more currency.”

“But, I have a lot of expenses–the kids’ pre-school tuition and their college savings fund, just to name a few.”

“You won’t need money for any of that. All of those things are going to be free, too!”

“Free? But, how does that wor…er, sorry; how do you pull that off? I still don’t understand.”

“The money we don’t print we’ll just take from our wealthier depositors. After all, they need to pay their fair share.”

“But, don’t they already do that?”

“Of course they do, but if I keep saying it enough, everyone will believe it’s true.”

“You’re the banker, so you know more about fiscal policy than I, but won’t this excessive supply of free money reduce the value of a dollar?”

“Sure. That’s called ‘inflation.’ No worries. It’ll be transitory.”

“This sounds very risky. What’s in it for you?”

“Giving people money increases my popularity, and assures me of continued employment as manager of the bank.”

“So, it’s all about you? That’s terrible!”

“No, it’s great for me. See, the more money I give away, the more often people will come back for more. Before they even realize it, they’ll be totally dependent on my bank.”

“I don’t know about all that, Sam, but I still need a loan.”

“Why?”

“I’ve got health care insurance premiums and doctors’ bills to pay…unless you’re going to make my healthcare free, too.”

Uncle Sam just smiled and said, “Don’t you worry—we’re working on that, too.”

My friend said he walked out of the bank, confused and shaking his head.

As he recounted the conversation to me, we both started shaking our heads, wondering when, if ever, it’ll all stop.

I guess Willie was right: the bank is where the money is.